I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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