i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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