he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
