he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
