his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
