Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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