Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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