i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
