why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
