Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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