Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
