if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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