she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
