i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
