Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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