she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
