No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
