So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
