Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
only if we run a train.
done.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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