I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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