I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
