My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
is that a dick in a sweater?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
