i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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