Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
