I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
