The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
