My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
