My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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