wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
