I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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