so that wasnt chicken after all
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
