And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
