Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
im calling her cock vulture from now on
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
