dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Who died my cat blue again?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
