you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Life is so much better after having sex.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
