last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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