Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
