allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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