I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
