Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
