I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
