I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
