I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
