What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
