cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
