My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
