Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
