Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
