My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
