I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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