Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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