The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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